taking defense science later, but im certainly in no mood to think about it. allow me to relate what goes on in my head every time i lose my sleep.

every night my heart bleeds, a part of me asks myself why do i have to go through this absurdity.

i'm to take more than just a 6 month detour. my happy uni life that left others jealous/envious of is now a sad pity. my mind today is hollow, unable to focus like it used to. my body does not have a clock anymore. my views and outlook, too, have taken a hit. my eyes and voice, once bright and lively, are now, according to my friends, "mature, but tired".

i've died, twice, for someone whom i entrusted my heart with. the first time felt like a backstab through the chest while the second is akin to heart poisoning. the death process has left me skinned, paralyzed and, perhaps most unfortunately, handicapped.

i've felt the brutality of human nature firsthand and its wrath is sincerely no joke. i've watched people make decisions that i will never accept myself for, and look on as they proceed to live with it. i've been put through experiences that i would never wish upon others and i wonder why does it have to be so.

i live today, with no hatred, but not without scorn. i love, but i no longer want. part of me blesses, while the other wants to curse. im having a nightly battle with myself which might end up ugly if i dont sweat it out or play dota with my friends. i dont pity myself, but i feel so wronged. dear heaven, where is justice?


you make your mistakes and they become your choice, i forgive you.
but you left me at the trough of my life, in the worst possible way.
i went suicidal for you, you were smiling somewhere else.
you're not who i thought you were, you're not the one for me.
you've shred me apart and i've learnt that scars never heal.

be fucking guilty and live well.
because if you ever tell me you regret your decision, i really dont know what i might do.

and because i know i cant ever bear to say this to you, i just want to say it here.
for the plight that im in right now due to your actions behind my back, FUCK YOU.

you know you're not the only one suffering when your mother asks you not to enter another relationship. especially when she's always been supportive of you doing your own things.

look in the damn mirror, jin yi.
remember this look, and never fall back in here again.
you're not gonna let your parents see this face a second time.

live, breathe, fly.

sigh. i really dont like to scold my sis. its something i dont usually do but at times, i have to. everytime i do so she'll end up crying uncontrollably, because she knows she did wrong and she feels guilty. it goes to show what a good nature she has and i really loathe being the one doing this. unfortunately im the only one who has this influence over her, and i dont really have a choice.

it really really sucks. my sis brightens up my days no matter how tired i am. she brews iced milo for me voluntarily, bugs me to teach her dance/chinese chess, serves me snacks that my mum cooks, rants to me about her days out. she makes home so much more fun and lively, i cannot possibly ask for a better sister. sigh.

kou, da ge ge really loves you a lot. sorry.

oh simple things, where have you gone...?

im getting old and i need something to rely on.

so tell me when, you gonna let me in.

im getting tired and i need somewhere to begin.




yeah, i've grown really really lethargic.

ordinary people :)

a week ago i would've dreaded this scenario.

im sitting alone downstairs at the dining table. its dark, its late, and im using my comp listening to this song she liked. yet, to my surprise, i find myself smiling at the lyrics and nostalgia. in my head im thinking, "hahaha yeah yo, this is fate".

facts are sinking into me well and it's all starting to make concrete sense. logic's taking control and i guess im moving on pretty fine, ahead of schedule might i say.

it truly feels pretty good inside, just that my days are damn empty nowadays coz of the direct transition out of ntu -_-

i really have to thank many of my friends and relatives. mates whom im not all that close to actually took time out to talk to me and held me together coz they liked me being who i am. even my aunts and uncles dropped by to guide my along. these people gave me hope, gave me reasons to believe again. but despite everything they gave me something was lacking. it was only yesterday that i found it off a certain someone, haha.

i dont know why, but what meant the most were words of encouragement from ally. talking to her again gave me courage, direction and drive. she really is special, even though i've never met her. if theres anything to describe her i would say its timeless beauty. she definitely has the purest heart i've known. and yeah, i think its subconscious, but somewhere along xiaohui probably lived in her shadows, somewhat. =/

for now, lets play glee's dont speak one more time ahah.

:)

caught up with chels and ally yst. it is amazing how these people are so special and dear to me.



and i saw the scorn on his face again, as he walked past me in spms. so i duly returned his ego with an awkward smile.

it dawned upon me that it doesnt matter whether she believed me anymore. time will tell so good luck hahah.

i should be sleeping by now, but i guess im a lil afraid of heading to bed.

so i shall write a lil. for the sake of... writing.

i think over time i have taken this sacred ground as a rantboard. whenever i feel a surge of emotion i write here if i remember its existence, and i must say this is a pretty special playground of mine, one that makes it possible to relive memories.

not to self-praise, but i find the way by which i've gone about expressing myself over the years kinda unique, haha. these posts and reflections of mine are so personal and emotive to me each of them relates a story, however short they are. for the brief moment i spend reading im sucked back to where i once was. i guess in harry potter terms, its what a wizard would call a pensieve.

im glad i have this hobby/habit, whatever we call it. as much as i know its my beautiful sanctuary :)

however today, reading my past posts made me realize that i have indeed fallen sigh. so much drive and determination, i really threw them away pfft. ah well, just have to find another path back up. leggo leggo leggo!

it warms my heart, yes it does :) all those time spent talking guiding and teaching him were worth the hard work. i believe he'll make it one day.

"dear shane, just want to thank you for this amazing journey with xinners! i know from the start i was lucky to get in, perhaps u guys can see the passion i have. then it came to the point that i realised i cant keep up with the rest and u had to put in much effort into guiding me; to be rly honest, every training i somehow lost the fun i expected to have and it always lead to low in morale at my side and subsequently i felt that i lost touch with the grp cos u guys are much better than me and i feel inferior to keep asking ques and just somehow drift out of the grp. then came HOCC when i knew that i wasnt being selected, honestly at that point of time, i was very distraught and didnt want to go for dance anymore cos i felt that u guys lost any hope to teach me anymore when i keep saying i can cope. It is only very recently that it dawned upon me why i didnt get selected.

i lack the discipline to rmb my mistakes, i just had very bad memory and i had to be even more hardworking after hearing how shane rose from being a person to an extraordinary dancer. and swallowing to some extent of my pride, i told myself to do it once to prove myself today. although i didnt make a significant improvement, at least i knew i picked up my confidemce and from there, i aspire to be a good dancer. im rly sorry to have disappointed u all these while for being so lousy and hence i dont feel bonded to everyone.

Once again, thanks xinners for giving me such a wonderful memory with u always coaching me and my fellow peers guiding me constantly. I hope one day i will be able to impress you. yup thanks! (:"

i spend my time at home with my family, i remember how we used to text each other to kill the distance.

i lie on my bed in hall, i recall how we used to watch shows together.

i turn on the computer games, i hear her nagging at me for neglecting my maid.

i read my manga or watch my soccer, i see her complaining to me how boring that is.

i dance, theres no texts i have to urgently reply anymore during breaks.

i youtube, im reminded of all the songs she listens to.

i go to bed, i think about all the quarrels we had before bed that made her cry.

i wake up, i realize everything i mentioned is all, gone.

i smile today, because i know i have to.